Bid My Anxious Fears Subside

Is life really this cyclical, or am I just that dense? Graduating in two months, I feel very much in the same position I was in five and a half years ago, only a little more educated, a little more experienced, a lot more in debt, and just as confused. One difference now, though, is that I have a taste of how bad it can get, and I am terrified of some of my darkest moments coming around again.

In what ways is my perception of God, and His attitude towards me, all wrong? This has been the question challenging me all semester long. During a January term class, Pastor Scotty Smith taught from Matthew 25, the parable of the talents. The master gave three of his servants different numbers of talents: to one servant he gave five, to one he gave two, and to the last he gave one. The first two of the servants invested their talents wisely, reaping double what they had started with. The last servant, however, had this to say when his master returned:

"'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'"

to which the master replied:

"'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest."

Scotty's emphasis was not that God is a harsh taskmaster; in fact, it was just the opposite. Notice how it is the the servant's distorted perception of his master that affects his actions. Because he perceived his master as hard and unjust (harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed), he was paralyzed by fear. He was afraid. He was loathe to take chances.

I am so much like that servant. I know I view God as a harsh taskmaster. As I think about the future, I am practically paralyzed in fear. I look back at what God has allowed me to go through in the past, and I think of Him warily, knowing that if He allowed those experiences once, He could allow them again. Instead of looking hopefully into the future, I brace myself for pain to come.

What was it that was so bad in the past? It was the loneliness. The challenge of a demanding job with no local support system in place. Not knowing who to trust - at work, in the neighborhood, or at church. That is what I am so frightened of. Living by myself, not knowing a safe embrace for weeks on end, always being asked "How are you?" but rarely being listened to.

Why am I so scared? I used to view that time as the LORD pouring out severe mercy, drawing me to Himself. Why am I know viewing Him like the antagonistic prison warden in Shawshank Redemption, putting me in dark solitary confinement for weeks on end, if for nothing else than to break me?

I am frightened, but it has less to do with my circumstances and more to do with who I believe God is. Do I really believe that the God who died on the cross for me and had the power to rise again won't care enough to provide or be powerful enough to provide for me in the coming months? But I'm not deserving. Do I really believe I was more deserving on the day of Jesus' death than I am on this day as I plead for help from the LORD?

I am the grumbling Hebrew, rescued from slavery in Egypt, fearful that my rescuer will let me languish in the desert. Let me have a better memory than that. Let my memory not fail me now. To the God who brought the Hebrews out of Egypt. To the God who through that nation of Israel blessed all nations. To the God who sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live, to die, and to rise from the dead so that we might have HOPE. To the God who has promised to restore all things as they should be. To the God who gave me countless faces and voices to shape me, challenge me, and care for me. To the God who gave me Mom and Dad and a neighborhood and a brother and a sister-in-law and all those other blessings and people whom I am hesitant to mention for fear of whom I may leave accidentally leave out. To this God, let my memory not fail me now. "Bid my anxious fears subside."