I'm exhausted. And feverish. And slightly nauseated.
I shouldn't be surprised, for things have been a bit of a whirlwind since Wednesday morning. Dad and I drove to Nebraska Wednesday and completed the trip to Denver on Thursday. I found my place (which is incredible, by the way), found a K-mart, a US Bank, and a grocery store. Dad and I spent Friday in downtown Denver and Saturday in the mountains. He left this morning, I went to church, out to lunch, and then to a church barbeque tonight. Sorry for just the stark facts; I really don't have the energy to elaborate. A lot of it is emotional exhaustion, and I'm frustrated in my confusion about God right now, so my heart can't rest. We sang "It is Well with My Soul" this morning at church. The second line reads, "Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed his own blood for my soul," and I am finding more pain than comfort in those words. I'm having such a hard time saying, "It is well with my soul" when it is not well with so many other souls. How do I rejoice in my salvation when so many others do not know Jesus? Where is joy while others are perishing? What about others' helpless estates? How am I not haunted by their destiny? I love the Lord, and I know He will help me understand this or at least lead me to peace in the not understanding; but right now I just hurt and am sick with worry and grief. Paul said, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in death..." I need to know the power of His resurrection if I am going to survive sharing in his sufferings. My heart needs to change, for my confidence in that power is weak right now.
2 comments:
Jessie, I'm glad that you've made it all the way through Nebraska :). I can't imagine how your heart is breaking right now. I wish that I had nice, articulate answers for you, but I don't. I hear in your words an echo of Paul in Romans 10:1 - I don't know if it's comforting or not to think that an apostle who loved his native people wrestled with some of the same questions that you are. Jesus' delay of His return will turn out to be kindness for many who don't know Him now. Fight to believe that God loves people more than you or I do, and knows best the state of their hearts. God is merciful - your life is testimony to that - and He is also patient and kind, and counts your tears. Love you, dear - Mel
Jessie,
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
I am so sorry that you are suffering; I will be praying for you to know the power of Christ's resurrection, and also (per Paul), that through this and through suffering you will become more like Christ. Those who are perishing need the joy of salvation, the life of Christ, modeled in you.
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will return to you."
I know God is with you and you will do well! I look forward to reading more of what God is working in and through you.
BCT
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